I will probably shock and awe even the closest people in my life with this post, but I really feel like I need to talk about things- well one thing in particular. It's sooo "utah" but here I am, blogging about it.
I have been having a HARD time lately. With the church. With the fact that I don't have a testimony of it. Never have had. Just always DID it. Went through the motions-I have hardly spoken much about it - since I live in UTAH. And the mention of spiritual insecurities would surely bring casseroles and cookie platters to my door. I really don't want to become the ward project... I really just want to feel it's right or move on.I was born and raised a Mormon. Got baptized when I was eight. Seeing as I can't remember anything of significance from that day, I think 8 is too young, but then -that's according to me. {And we are taught not to question the Lord and why and when we do what we do. But I still wonder. 8????} How much more would I have remembered had I made the decision on my own- older- as in a thought out and understood thing. Like these convert stories- they are really great to listen to. I've felt nothing even close to it.
I hate going through the motions with anything in my life. I want to live with conviction, passion, and clarity. I'm hanging on by a thread mostly because I don't know how to live my life any other way. Fear, mostly fear. What if I'm wrong? What If I stop wearing my g's and tomorrow one of my boys gets hurt. God punishes me. I do not have a testimony of the importance of g's {and was rather shocked when I went through the temple}. But I DO fear the consequences of my decisions- and that's no way to live. I want to be apart of a religion because I believe in it, not because I fear it.
Warren keeps telling me that the culture here in Utah taints the religion- the gospel itself. I don't hate the culture per say- it's like I said, I am just not sure that it is all necessary....
I am not sure that we {mormons} will be the only ones eligible for eternal glory. {remember, I know what we {mormons} would say back to that- we AREN't the only ones... } but we really do feel that way. That those who are baptized, follow the plan of salvation are the ones who return to God. ONLY those who are married in the Temple will be sealed together for always.
I keep reverting back to a faithful Lutheran friend I had in high school- She was a better Lutheran than I was a Mormon any day. She followed her religion and believed in it and loved it. I just took mine for granted and hardly stood for it. We say in Mormonism that all people will be allowed a chance to choose Celestial Glory after this life - and if we aren't ever shown Mormonism and had a chance to choose it then we can after and live happily ever after. What about the good people who HAVE known about it. Who HAVE been around it and introduced to it like my friend and still reject it. Are they honestly NOT going to be able to go to the Celestial Kingdom? Even when they are a better person at their religion than I am mine? I dunno.
It's not that I don't believe in Joseph Smith, the BOM, the Temple... There are great things in all the above, but IS IT NECESSARY? Do we really have the HUGE task of accomplishing ALL that work for the dead? Won't everything be shown and done in the afterlife anyway? {again, I know what could be thought here... but I'm not lazy, I CAN have Faith, I'm just not sure it's all necessary.}
I have felt the spirit many times in my life. NEVER when I have prayed if the church is true. What is wrong with me? I know what it feels like- I know how to recognize it- It just never answers YES to that very important Q.
Why would God do that? I thought if we lacked wisdom we could ask of God, and he would answer. I've wondered... Do I want the answer to be no? That it's not true? No- I really don't.
I really really would love to know that my entire spiritual upbringing was right- and not a waste of time.
But like I said at the beginning, I don't want to BE a half-way Mormon. I can't stand to live that way. I don't want to live in fear. I want to believe and know that it's right. How sad that I am 26 and finally have enough ownership/courage/honestly and clarity to let myself question.
When I was 15/16 I questioned it - and was shot down by the rules hanging over my head, couldn't have my car for the week if I didn't go to church Sunday. I wasn't allowed to have a voice because I was a "teenager". My Bishop at the time was upset that I was missing YW activities to go to dance classes instead and told me that I was "Going to go to Hell if I kept dancing". I let my foot off the persistence pedal and just tried to "get through". Then I met Warren. We fell in love fast and furious and as any good Mormon girl did, I got married in the Temple. I wasn't ready- I was too young. Not too young to fall in love and be married, but I was too young to go through the temple. It scared the crap out of me. And I didn't go back for a year after that. I shouldn't have gone through, but I REALLY didn't want to cause a scene and I REALLY didn't want to have people think that I wasn't "worthy" because I WAS- In all the technical sense I WAS. I just WASN'T worthy in the sense that I wasn't PREPARED for the seriousness and intensity of the Temple. And I loved Warren, and If it was true then I didn't want to miss out. Again- fear.
ANYWAYS.
I have Mormon, less active Mormon, and non-Mormon friends alike that read this and I honestly hope I don't offend anyone.
I am just trying to clarify my spirituality-
14 comments:
I too think 8 is a very young age and I too don't remember that day very well. I too have questioned things and still do. But I have come to realize that it doesn't matter the religion, you will still question things. Just find comfort in knowing that we only know a tiny piece of this perfect plan heavenly father has planned for us and when we are in the after life we will look back and think "wow, that really wasn't that hard". I suggest praying and pondering and don't live with regret with whatever decision you make. The Temple can be frightening but the more I have gone the more I have learned and felt more comfortable and understood things better. We will never know everything 100% and I guess that is just a part of being faithful and believing in something we don't see or have all questions answered in. Don't do it just because it's what you have been taught, do it because you know it's right. You will figure it out! Do what's best for you. I can honestly tell you that moving out of Utah was what made me stronger in the church and truly felt comfortable and gave me a testimony. To many LDS members do it because that is just what you do in Utah. The church is portrayed so differently outside of utah.
p.s. I love love love you couches nad I cannot wait until the day that we get to get a new couch set. sigh!
All I can say is I feel your pain. I know we are all sent here with our weakness and mine is spirituality! Thank you for your brave words! I don't dare! I can tell you if you stop going to church it is hard going back! We haven't been for a year and just can't muster up the want/need to go. If we did ever go back it would be for the kids sake and yet I'm not sure if I would want them to get baptized at 8....Decisions, decisions! Good luck in whatever you decide!
Taisley,
I think you are very brave to say what you really think. I would love to have a chat with you about all of this. I think it would be interesting and fun (plus, we haven't talked in a while! :) Living in fear is definitely not the way to go about it.
I will call you and lets do a girls night or something. :)
p.s. Have I told you lately think you are a really good person? Well, I do!
I think everyone goes through something like this...and it is a good thing! God gave us prophets and scriptures and other people so we can figure out for ourselves what is true. Everyone is different in the way they figure out what they really believe, and to some it comes much easier than others,but it is important to use the tools we have on earth to figure out what we believe.
On my mission (of all places) I went through a way rough time trying to really figure out how the church could be true when so many people didn't even know what the church is. It did take a lot of work on my part, which was hard...and it hurt (if that is a way that can describe this).
Starting from the beginning is the best way to go and just keep questioning...basic principles, ie is God really there? are we his children? Do I believe in Jesus Christ? and then things will fill in...like why do we do temple work? who will be "saved"? There is a lot we don't know, so sometimes you just have to go back to the beginning to get a foundation.
I think a lot of Utah Mormons struggle because often there is nowhere to turn when you do question things because it is so programmed to "know the church is true" (whatever that means, sorry if that offends...) But there is a difference between a testimony of the gospel and a testimony of the church. Most important is getting the testimony of the Gospel and then the reason the church and all activities surrounding it are here make sense (hopefully).
If anyone ever tells you it is wrong to question, then (in my opinion) they don't know what they are talking about. Part of gaining a testimony of the anything is questioning...taking action through study, prayer and trying it out to see if it is what feels right for you.
Sorry this turned into such a long comment, when I started I told myself to keep it short...oops. Thanks for this post, it made me think.
This was an interesting post. I have a difficult time relating to most "Utah Mormons" but I've always felt such a connection with you. I think it's the right thing for us to question what we've been taught so we can make a decision for ourselves. I can see how your surroundings and the culture there made it difficult for you to do that before making convenants in the temple. That is what breaks my heart for you. I waited until I got to BYU and Utah and THAT is what made me question the religion because I thought the whole culture out there was just plain weird. As many friends will tell you, the gospel and the culture of the church are two different things. Your Lutheran friend was strong because she lived in a sea of Mormons. I became strong quickly because I was a Mormon in a sea of Baptists. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. You'll figure it out. I always told my little brother (who does not consider himself a Mormon any longer)- some things are true, whether you believe them or not. Heavenly Father loves you. And me. And I'm reminded of it daily in my boys. Thank goodness He gave us the agency to question!! Hang in there. I will always like you for you, no matter what decisions you make. :)
Taisley... I believe in all things that you are stating. I truly do believe that Utah makes "mormonism" look like a spectacle of something as a bad thing for people to do or be a part of. It is definately hard to contemplate the reasons that we "mormons" do the certain things we do. I believe in the church and I know that is how I want to live my life. Do I do everything correct? Absolutely not. I struggled the most with this at Dixie as a matter of fact. Dated freakish guys, partied, etc. and really I wonder about my baptism day as well. I can remember my white dress but you are right... why 8? Why? I guess that is because the Lord knows better than us. I learned this (and gained a testimony of it on my mission) concept of wondering all these things and realized it was all for our benefit to follow the Lords plan. I was in the middle of Texas and had a lady ask me why we "mormon" women don't get to hold the preisthood. I stood there STUMPED. Like literally. It was at that time in my life in the sweltering heat of Texas on my bike I realized that it was the Lord that knew better than I and all I could do for this woman was bare my testimony to her about the signifcance of the plan of salvation. That burning desire that you talk about - I never EVER rec'd that until my mission as well. Temple freaked me out as well... I took that as a learning experience and went back and back again as many times as I could to learn. I found it often most helpful to do inititories so that I can remember the importance of what my Heavenly Father has in store for not just me but all of his children. Like Elder Uchtorf said yesterday, we are all VIP's to our Heavenly Father... Hang tight girl. Life throws us curves and I believe that sometimes it is hardest to stand for the gospel truths. I do also believe that there is a place in heaven for those who are not Mormon. My own Dad isn't LDS. So, I have decided that I will let the Lord do his work and I will do my absolute best as his daughter. That is all that he does ask right? Let me know if you ever need anything!!! I'd be more than happy to help you!!! (ANYTIME)!!!!
i feel for you. seriously. it took some major screw ups in my life to finally get to where i could truly in my heart understand a need for faith and church and all of that. not that i recommend you do any major screw ups...actually i don't really know what i'm saying. i hate preaching (it's just not my style), i try to limit it and i don't want to do it here...but anyway, you are not alone and i think the fact that you are questioning and thinking a lot about this stuff is extremely important. without doing that i don't know how anyone could truly know and feel it for themselves. you can fool your neighbors, but you can't fool yourself! good luck with this journey...it's why we are here and i know you will someday benefit for really thinking and expressing your thoughts and feelings. thanks for sharing :)
I definitely have times where it feels like I'm going through the motions. Plus the church requires a lot of its members so it can feel overwhelming. When I go through down times with my testimony, I just think of the alternative: no plan of salvation, no eternal family, no Heavenly Father who hears us. That sounds way too scary and sad and then I realize that I really want to believe, even if I'm not 100% sure. Believing makes me much happier. And about the temple - there's a lot that I don't understand and I think it's supposed to be like that. Sometimes I feel the spirit and learn something new, and other times I just leave knowing I tried my best and at least had a peaceful two hours without kids. And the best thing for me is reading the scriptures. Even when I don't get much out of it, my day seems to go better. And sometimes that's all I need - a smoother day. You'll figure things out. Hang in there.
I think we are *supposed* to question things and seek to know for ourselves. Maybe that's not the impression you got from your experience growing up; sometimes it's scary for parents and leaders to have kids question things. But that's what Joseph Smith did, after all. Sometimes the answers are a long time in coming, but you will be all that much stronger for seeking for yourself. Hang in there. You are such an amazing person.
I miss Utah, but I love Minnesota. Being a Mormon here is much easier. I enjoy being a Mormon. In Utah I felt that I was living under the auspices of the Corporation of the Church.
I try to live my religion...being nice to people, doing my best, being a good wife and mom. I know that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true. Can I say with certainty that the LDS Religion is the true church? Maybe when I'm dead.
We all need religion in our lives. Actually, we all need spirituality in our lives. You know how you feel the Spirit. You know what makes you feel right and good. Just keep doing those things.
I did not attend the temple for over 6 years. I attend now when my friends invite me. I do not, however, feel the Spirit strongly in the temple. I feel the Spirit more in my home and in doing my daily activities.
Do not turn into or try to be a Utah Mormon. Be yourself. Everyone looks perfect and clean on Sundays, but we all have our personal struggles that we sometimes don't share. Continue doing what you love and add small things to what you do daily: prayers over food, reading one scripture a day, trying not to swear (even in your head)(this is a hard one for me).
Love you.
Lisa
Becky said what I was thinking. The gospel is based on someone questioning. If Joseph Smith hadn't questioned, where would we be? I don't think you should stop questioning, but I also don't think you'll get all the answers at once. Just do your best. That's all anyone can do.
Also, as most here have said, don't confuse the Gospel with the "mormon church." A lot of culture things do get wrapped up in what people believe is the Gospel. Even here in Iowa.
I question, and I have hard days of believing. Everyone does. But the things that make my day better are reading the scriptures. Even if they make me question more, my day does go better. Also, attending the temple helps. I too was overwhelmed the first time I went, but the more I go the more I learn. Each time I take away one more thing or feeling that makes me feel that much better or helps me understand more. Think of it like a dance routine. Sometimes the first time you see it you can't do it and it may seem weird, but the more you learn/practice it (or go) the more you learn and like it more.
Take my comments for what it is worth. I love ya, Tais! I wish we could have seen you when we were there in March. See you this summer.
Hey sister - I'm just now getting through old post - and I'm glad I am. I am so grateful you wrote this post clarifying what you have been trying to say lately. I wish we would have talked about it while I was down there.
I truly wish you could move here - or somewhere away from Utah - at least for a while.
For me - the first huge step in my own testimony was when we moved to Vegas - and I had to sink or swim in the gospel. You didn't do Mormon half way there - and I was grateful to have good friends and leaders. Then going to USU was huge - it wasn't "God's University" but it had enough of the gospel there to hold to - and enough diversity to help me see the choices and consequences. My mission obviously solidified my testimony. It's amazing to be in service 24/7, be soaked in the scriptures and have the Lord's name on your own name tag. It was such an amazing experience. But I know not all missionaries felt the same. You decide what to do with what you're given. So then moving to Vermont after getting married also helped me grow. In each new experience, I was becoming a Latter Day Saint more and more - and less of a "Mormon" if that makes sense. Now here in Alaska - I am so amazed at the difference in reality and what I thought reality was or would be. I love living outside the Utah bubble - but I miss it terribly. I miss having a celebration annually commemorating the pioneers arriving in "Zion" - I miss the lights on Temple Square celebrating the birth of the "Light of the World" - I miss that feeling of Utah, an amazing place built up from a desert wasteland by strong, determined people - so I look on those things with love and fondness - and once in a while I get an aching to live there - among so many Mormons who understand what I believe - but when it comes right down to it - I love living in places where the lines are bolder and people know you're different. Where you're respected for having a strong faith. Where you don't have to have the perfect "bump-it" hair and borderline garment covering trends to be admired at church or in public. The diversity in both members and non-members makes you really decide who you are -
Anyway - I'm not saying that if you live in Utah you'll fall into all the cultural traps - but I will say that it's harder to distinguish what those traps look like. When you really find that testimony and know it's there - all the other things won't matter. What will matter is your beautiful family - your marriage to Warren - and making sure you are all working together as a family to grow and love and serve.
I know the Gospel is true - like someone said - it's the Gospel we need a testimony of - and a testimony of the church comes after. God lives. He is our Father. His Son is our Savior. We live in an amazing time - when the fullness of the Gospel is on the earth - when God's full power of the Priesthood exists and is being used. Joseph Smith really did what he said he did. And the ordinances we partake in both at church and in the temple are sacred and necessary. We need them - those who have passed on need them - and everyone who has not received them WILL have the chance to do so - my faith gives me confidence of that. God is just and merciful - a perfect balance - and He WANTS us all to be with him - so He will make EVERY possible door available so we can enter it - the cool thing is that in our current lives - we can't possibly see ALL THOSE DOORS - but He will reveal them when need be.
I love you sis!!!!! You're amazing and have THE most adorable boys - who will be strong men someday - who will look to their mom and dad as strong examples - the "easy way" sucks! It doesn't promise you anything except an easy ride - nothing at the end. I like the promises God has made us - I want the blessings He's promised - I may not always want the path that gets us there - but it's always worth it and He will always make it possible.
I know you posted this awhile back; I am just catching up. The comments above say much better what I could have ever said. I do admire your honesty in not only questioning, but doing it vocally. I have to re-emphasize what others have said--it is a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ that must burn the brightest inside of us. If you want a testimony both of Christ *and* the restored church, read the Book of Mormon. It wasn't until this last year that I really felt like I was studying it instead of just reading it, and I finally learned this important key: Read the Book of Mormon and ask if it is true. If it is true, then Joseph Smith was truly a prophet of God to have translated it (not written it himself). If Joseph Smith was truly a prophet of God, then he really did help restore the fullness of the Gospel back to the Earth. Like your other friends have said, I hate to feel like I am ever preaching, especially because I don't have all the answers. But I feel that I know a little bit how to get those answers. And I am still on that path...
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